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    • Oh! waking is a bitter nightmare..when you constantly hang around the fringes of my dreams..

    ..my foundation is crumbling and shattered glass is falling all over sidewalks..

    ..i am collapsing and i am collapsing on myself.. i am shards of glass..and i am the person being wounded by the glass..

    ..there is a certain beautiful honesty about depression..

    ..will Candy and honey not ..sweeten the Bitter acrimony of life? ..if truth indeed be a fallacy, then should reality not be a lie?

    Truth is like water. A little of it quenches your thirst Too much of it..and you drown.

    Monday, February 28, 2005

    Now that productions are over, its finally free, free free for me..
    previously i was a prisoner..and now i am free with too much time on my hands. I have zero midterms and zero essays to write. When i see my friends all struggling with their midterms and essays, i can't help but feel that im so lucky.

    well productions was a great success. At least i didn't forget any of my lines, nor were there any major screw ups.. :) The make up was horrific..but yeah, i guess it was fitting for my character..yipes..
    oh..and it was kinda fun. Like all the cast spent our time( lots of time) waiting..and gambling our money away, by playing Ban luck, and an assortment of other time-wasting and money-wasting games.

    the midterms are over and now school is raging on at full force. I have become somewaht an expert with photoshop due to the countless projects i have been forced to undertake. Bah... Remind me to S/U those modules..so i won't need tp study so hard for them or put in so much effort.



    school is utterly boring.


    i need a break.



    i need to keep moving...

    to keep doing...
    ..to keep changing..

    dawn fairy on the moon at 2/28/2005
    Monday, February 14, 2005

    Went out on Sat, with Kenneth, Ky and Si Jia, for KTV. I suspect KY is Kbox's favourtie customer! Haha..He was singing at the top of his lungs, and with much gusto and passion. Luckily for all of us, he's a pretty good singer, so we were spared the trauma..Hehe.. he was holding a mini Ou-de-Yang (ocean) concert of his own, while i miserable attempted to warble thru the chinese songs, as i was struggling to read the Fanti zi. ( or else how to sing? not like i listen to chinese songs lor) I think K box should have han yu ping ying for the songs lor. i mean, pls lor, not like anyone noes how to read Fan Ti Zi. Oh well, anyway, i managed to sing a Fish Leong Song, and a Zhang Hui Mei song. The only two chinese songs i esp learn for KTV, so i won't become marginalized. Haha. Anywae, they said i sounded funny, and sounded much better on English songs, though the repertoire of English Songs was crap to the max..

    Going to meet Lyn later. I havent seen her in Eons. I think the last time i saw her was 2 yrs back? We kinda lost contact when she went to Shanghai. i kinda miss all her crap. Haha. All the times in sec sch, where we would talk kok together, "haio" together, Shop like mad together...me screaming to her abt every pimple that popped up on my face, and our awful fashion disasters! From Bell-bottoms, to those Jangly, Jarring, Over-the-top countless, Rings, Bangles and Bling-Blings we would adorn our body with. Hahha..So vain hor? And all her awful, awful "surprises" she wld give me ( Laren, MArk??!) Haha..and the like. How we would often skip clases, go to the airport to watch planes, and do mad, crazy, crazy stuff each time we went out, like singing on the roads, at the top of our lungs, and she trying to "pick up" guys for me. Hahaha.. I wonder how much 2 years would have changed her? I wonder how much change she would see in me? I wonder if we've both changed so much we don't even recognise each other? Would we be able to crap as well as before, or wld there be the awkward pauses? I wonder if i would be the same person to her, jus as i wonder if she wld be jus the way she was when we last met. Would it matter? Would we still be able to talk? Would the years, and the distances apart make a difference. I wonder, i wonder..But being one of my oldest, and most precious frends, i really hope, that despite all this, we'll both find the rapport and chemistry hasn't changed.. :)

    dawn fairy on the moon at 2/14/2005
    Saturday, February 12, 2005

    i finally managed to find the keys to to jc/sec sch diary. Buried under a whole pile of books, dirt and dust. I had almost forgotten of its existence. Since it was Chinese Nwe Year, I decided to take a peek inside, to see how much things have changed over the past 4-5 years.

    And When i started to flip the pages, the tears somehow ran down my cheeks. Tears of Joy, tears of happiness, tears of pain..and of sadness. How much of these memories i forgot. How i chose to bury and lock them away in the sceret recesses of my diary.

    Reminiscence may be a painful process, but surely a bittersweet one. To forget all the pain, the erase the ugliest memories of my life..would be good, but surely to erase away everything, wld mean i wld have to erase away all the wonderful, precious memories, if i buried away every memory, i wld be forgetting everything good and worthwhile.

    So i decided to remember. I want to remember. And its good to remember. Becuase if i let myself forget, i'll let myself forget everything worthwhile and good. If i let every bitter and painful memory inundate me, very soon, everything that is rare and precious will submerge together and be lost to me. If i let everything consume me, then there would no longer be any space in my heart to remember anything good, and worth treauring.

    And for the longest time, unconsciously i was like that. Deep down inside, i let the pain eat me away, and let myself to get lost in these labyrinth of bad memories, and pain..where anything good soon faded away to me. But when i read my diary, i reaslied that there was so much more good worth remembering. How could i give me heart away, to something not worthwhile, how could i have let all the ugly memories fill up my heart, so much so that i had no space to remmeber the good, and the beautiful?

    If i detached myself from the pain, and only expect Joy, then i guess i will never truly be human. i think emotions are the key element to what makes us Human, what makes us real, and if i wipe away the pain, and if i never felt pain, then i wld be nuthing more then a robot programmed to feel happiness and joy already. I would be a cold, empty hard shell, without real emotions. A shell who dosent noe how to cry, to scream, to feel pain. So the pain makes me Human. It makes me better.

    And now i feel so much better. Somewhat relieved because im willing to be honest with myself. For the longest, time, i guess i cldnt be honest with myself. And sometimes the greatest challenge in life is not to be honest to someone else, but its simply to be honest with oneself Because its so hard. So damn hard. But im trying. And its working. And im doing myself the favour.

    A tree may be barren, stark and naked, Cruelly exposed to weather elements, and the last leaves of summer already fallen. Winter soon blankets the land, and all is left of the tree, is a mere shadowy, skeletal image of all its former glory. A tragic mockery of it's former self. But i will fold Paper flowers. i will fold many, many, many colourful paper flowers, and then i will stick them to the tree. i will fill this tree with many colourful paper flowers. I will fold, one a day, so there will always be enough. In this way, the tree will never again be barren or stark, but will grow to be as beautiful, and rich as ever....

    dawn fairy on the moon at 2/12/2005
    Sunday, February 06, 2005

    Jus came back from Bugis Village shopping with Kenneth. He crowds were horrific..and there were NOOOO nice clothes! He is the typical wait-outside-the-shop kinda guy! Haha..so not Jie-mei at all. Sad. Anywae it was this mad, crazy last min rush, shopping for once-in-a-year Chinese New year clothes...hahha.Anywae i feel sorry for Kenneth..always kena dragged into this kinda thing by me. But yar..it's good practice for his future gf lor.

    On a more serious note, i have been thinking abt the whole spare tyre thing and it pisses me off completely. i cannot understand wad an idiot i am, how i can always let myself get so softhearted so easily.. it's like each and every time i resolve, to completely ignore these losers, but i can't seem to. Its like whenever ABC..Or XYZ comes to me with another of their tragic problems and starts sobbing in front of me, i keep reminding myself that i must reject them, but somehow, when they start crying at my doorstep, what can i do? I just can't find it in myself to be mean to them, to turn them away, even though i really felt like i should have. And then i'll spend the next few days comforting them, listening to them, and trying to make them feel better..and after the whole fiasco, i feel more like crap then ever, coz i know i have just been used, and will prob be chucked aside for quite a while to come. Crap. It sucks to the core. Be it break up with so-and-so, SAD AND bad results ( and mine r usually worse anyway??) or wad ever else..it's just one problem after another. Look, its not like i dun like listening to people's problems. I do. and i do wanna help pple, coz u noe, they are my frends after all. But jus not like this, when i know that you only need me to be there when no one else is there. U jus need me to be arnd, coz u noe, im the only spare tyre u need. I mean if i genuinely care for u as a fren, and love u, its not a big deal..i wanna help u..but this can't keep going on, esp when i know u don't treat me as a fren, but jus a punching bag, or an aunt agony. to be used and thrown aside after fancy.

    Then when you come to me, and start all this again, how can i react? How can i say get lost? u know me..its not like u don't. U noe my weaknesses...u noe how is it when pple cry in front of me, i just lose all my resolve. To be heartless, to be cruel. I can't. how can i when u start bawling in front of me. And then , whe i want to breach this topic, to try to hint to u, or tell u how i feel, like a spare tyre and such, den u start either changing the topic or bombarding me with more or ur problems, den wad am i supposed to do? I help u with ur life, but i feel bad abt mine. And it makes me feel all the more worse, coz i wanna be honest with u, i wanna tell u this thats bothering, coz i treat u as a FREN, and the only way this can last if i be frank wif u. But honestly, do i have a chance? everytime, i get the courage to breach this topic wif u, u either look so happy, or so sad, tt i dunno how to break it to u. Gosh. I mean, its like i try to act caring in front of u, and try to make u feel better, but really inside my mind, im questioning ur motives, anbd asking myself why im still frends with u. Its not helping. i need you to know. But how can i let u noe? I need to break this to u..to be honest with u..but wld u really care? wld it matter much to u? i guess maybe not.

    Annoying. Annoying. Annoying. There's only so much i can take.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 2/06/2005